


What the fuck is gender even?

by queerwriterbee



Series: Stickball Junkies [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Agender Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Demisexuality, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderqueer Character, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Smut, M/M, Minor Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker, Nonbinary Character, Trans Andrew Minyard, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, agender/greygender!neil, barely there, gender euphoria, like really light yall, nonbinary!renee, really only there to get across that Andrew is trans, trans!allison, trans!andrew, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerwriterbee/pseuds/queerwriterbee
Summary: Neil was facing forward, worrying at his lip and staring at nothing. Andrew waited patiently, offering his hand palm up in silent support. Neil laced their fingers together without hesitation.“How did you know you were trans?” he finally asked, squeezing Andrew’s hand minutely.“Do you mean when did I first feel like something wasn’t quite right with my gender, or when I finally came across the term transgender and put it all together?”The redhead’s brow furrowed and his bite on his intensifying.“I guess I mean more like… what does gender feel like for you and how is it different from the gender you were assigned at birth?” Neil’s voice went up at the end, as if he wasn’t totally sure that was what he’d meant either.(Or: Neil has a post-coital discussion with his trans boyfriend Andrew about gender feels)





	What the fuck is gender even?

**Author's Note:**

> Like basically everything I post, this is unproofread and unedited and honestly will probs stay that way unless a mistake is directly pointed out to me.
> 
> ANYWAY, I just had this scene pop into my head and while I don't exclusively headcannon any of these characters as trans and/or nonbinary, I do enjoy AUs in which they are. So, basically, don't fight me about how I gendered them because it ain't that deep, ok? 
> 
> Also, I am trans-masculine nonbinary and have many other trans friends. This was written based on my own and their experiences. They do not represent all trans folks and/or their experiences. Feel free to share how your trans and/or nonbinary identity and experience differ if you please.
> 
> OK HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AND MAYBE FEEL REPRESENTED YA YEET THANKS BYE

It took a full five minutes afterwards before Andrew felt capable of thought, let alone speech. If Neil were ever to ask him for a performance review of his pussy eating skills, Andrew would have to remain completely silent because if he spoke there’d be no way for him to conceal how truly talented the man was with his tongue. 

And lips. 

And teeth.

And head. 

When he looked over at the boy laying beside him, Andrew couldn’t help but smirk. The poorly concealed pout on Neil’s face was just too amusing. He always got this way after Andrew had to tap out before Neil was ready to stop eating him out. The genuine enjoyment that Neil got from stroking, sucking, and lapping at Andrew’s cunt was both amusing and incredibly sexy.  

Just thinking about it had Andrew growing wet again. He was in no way prepared for another round, so he sat up and leaned over his boyfriend to grab his pack of cigarettes on the bedside table. He felt Neil’s eyes on him the whole time as he shifted into a sitting position against the wall and put a stick between his lips. It definitely wasn’t helping calm down his wet pussy or throbbing dick. 

“Staring,” he mumbled around his stick, leaning over to open the window before lighting the cigarette and pulling his idiot’s head into his lap. 

Neil hummed in response, nuzzling into Andrew’s thigh and closing his eyes briefly before returning his eyes to his partner above him. 

“You’re just beautiful, you know?”

Andrew shoved his hand against Neil’s face, eliciting goddamn giggles from the latter, and shifted his cigarette in his mouth to hide his smile. 

“Junkie.”

“Yeah,” Neil sighed. “Yours, though.”

Andrew hummed and nodded his head the slightest bit--the closest to an affirmation he’d ever give. To anyone else, the gesture would have meant nothing, if it was even noticed in the first place. But, the junkie.... his junkie, had learned and studied him enough by now to not only notice, but know exactly what he meant. Andrew didn’t need to see the lovesick smile on Neil’s face to know that. 

It was nice to see, regardless. 

They lounged their silently for several long moments after that, not saying a thing and only moving to stroke the other’s hair, shift numb body parts, or run their fingers up and down the other’s skin. 

It was such a peaceful, blissful moment that it was shocking. Though, not as much as it had been the year before, the first time they’d had a moment like this. Andrew had come a long way in his recovery--from the drugs, the emotional suppression, the PTSD, etc.--and he was beginning to allow himself to feel, to want, to want to feel. He was beginning to, if not accept, then to not outright deny that he deserved beyond the most basic of human respect. 

Despite it all, however, Andrew couldn’t see himself ever getting used to the blatant adoration and belonging he saw in Neil’s eyes every time he caught his junkie staring, every time they had soft moments, heated moments, lustful ones. He couldn’t see himself ever able to fully accept that he deserve someone like Neil Abram Josten in his life. 

When Neil moved to join him upright against the wall, Andrew could feel the shift in the air between them. He could sense that something important was about to be said, that would require attention and careful thought. He stubbed out his cigarette and turned his head to look at his boyfriend. 

Neil was facing forward, worrying at his lip and staring at nothing. Andrew waited patiently, offering his hand palm up in silent support. Neil laced their fingers together without hesitation. 

“How did you know you were trans?” he finally asked, squeezing Andrew’s hand minutely. 

“Do you mean when did I first feel like something wasn’t quite right with my gender, or when I finally came across the term transgender and put it all together?” 

The redhead’s brow furrowed and his bite on his intensifying. 

“I guess I mean more like… what does gender feel like for you and how is it different from the gender you were assigned at birth?” Neil’s voice went up at the end, as if he wasn’t totally sure that was what he’d meant either. 

Despite the ambiguity of the request, Andrew did the best he could to find the words to describe his gender (oof) to him. Afterall, Neil had done the same for Andrew with his demisexuality. And, on some level, Andrew supposed he wanted Neil to know this about him, to understand at least a little about this part of Andrew’s identity. 

“That’s a little difficult,” Andrew conceded. “Because gender is so personal. I guess that’s the best place to start--it’s personal. It’s a feeling I have in the back of my mind at all times and that I can become more or less aware of depending on the place, time, and people in a situation. I guess as I became aware of what the fuck gender even is and gender dysphoria and euphoria along with it, the clearer it was that what felt right and good versus what felt wrong and, quite frankly, gross weren’t what I was supposed to feel that way towards as a cis girl.” 

Neil nodded along and slowly shifted so that he was facing Andrew. He hadn’t quite reached the point of being able to make eye contact with him, but he was allowing himself to be more vulnerable as the conversation progressed. Andrew was glad-- he wanted to know where this was going. 

This was, of course, not the first time that they’d discussed Andrew’s gender and trans-ness. But, in the past, Neil had been more interested in what that meant in terms of boundaries and expectations rather than the mechanics of Andrew’s Gender Feels and transition. Neil knew that Andrew was assigned female at birth but identified and felt like a binary man, that he wore a binder, took weekly injections of testosterone, what words and pronouns to use and which to not, where to and not to touch, and that his genitals didn’t make him any less gay. Up until now, that’d seemed to be enough for him. 

“Are there things that don’t give you dysphoria or euphoria? Things that are just… there and you’re aware of them but you don’t really care about or identify with them?” 

Andrew quirked a brow and shifted so his side was leaning against the wall and he was fully facing Neil. 

“I mean, yeah I guess. Gender neutral terms--they, them, spouse, partner, sibling, etc.--I suppose. But even then, there are gender neutral or nonbinary terms that I don’t click with and don’t want used toward me in the same way I do with femme terms. Like neopronouns--xe, hir, sie, nonnie, enby.” 

Andrew waited for Neil to ask something else, finally shift his gaze to meet his, at the very least move a little. But, after a minute of none of these things happening, Andrew broke. He reached out with his pointer finger and poked Neil in the cheek, right where his dimple would be were he smiling. 

“What’s this about?” 

“I don’t think I’m cis,” Neil blurted, his gaze finally reaching Andrew’s as he did. His eyes were wide and his brow furrowed. “But I don’t think I’m trans either?”

The boy ran his hands through his messy auburn curls and groaned. Andrew wrapped his hand around the back of his idiot’s neck and felt as some of the tension left Neil’s frame. 

“I’ve never felt gender dysphoria or euphoria about anything. I’ve never cared about gender in regards to myself or to others. I just have kinda gone along with what I was told about how gender worked and I was meant to behave within it all. I never gave it a second thought until I met you, Renee, and Allison,” Neil pulled at his bangs and let out a frustrated breath. “I probably wouldn’t have even looked into it much more than I have if it weren’t for the fact that Renee is nonbinary rather than binary trans like you and Allison.”

“A lot of cis people aren’t as aware of their gender as trans and nonbinary folks are,” Andrew offered. He hoped it didn’t sound dismissive and like the possible explanation Andrew had meant it to be. 

Neil shook his head. “No, it's not that. I’m not aware of my gender at all. As in, I don’t think it’s there. And I feel like that should mean something to me, that I should want to manifest it expressively like Renee does with using xe/hir/hirs pronouns, or all of Allison’s surgeries and both her and your HRT.”

“But…?”

“But,” Neil sighed. “It doesn’t. I legitimately don’t care at all. Like, everyone could start using femme pronouns and calling me a girl tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter to me. You could use they/them for me in one sentence and he/him the next and I probably wouldn’t even notice.” 

“There’s a term for that,” Andrew replied. “And you’re not the only person who feels this way.”

“Yeah, I know,” Neil said. “Greygender or agender. I know. I looked it all up after talking to Renee a bit about being nonbinary. And I guess those technically fit what I’m feeling at it’s bare bones,” he continued. “But, it’s similar to how I feel about being demisexual. I really only care about or use the term to make it easier for other people to get what I’m feeling. I don’t need it for myself.”

“I can’t help but wonder….I mean, I know for other people this is just who they are and how they feel… but what if it’s not like that for me? What if it’s just another product of my fucked up life on the run and never having a real identity? Of not being a real person until just over a year ago?” 

Andrew moved his hand so that it cupped Neil’s jaw, tilting it just a tad so that he had a better view of those gorgeous icey blue irises. He moved his thumb back and forth over the redhead’s scarred cheek and revealed in the shuddering sigh it elicited. 

“So what if it is?” Andrew murmured. “Your feelings and experiences are valid even if they are influenced by trauma.”

Neil nodded, the wrinkles in his forehead and between his brows smoothing out and his shoulders lowering. 

“You think so?”

Andrew rolled his eyes and lead in close so he and his junkie shared the same breath. 

“Yes or no?”

“You should know my answer by now.”

Andrew didn’t deign this with a verbal response, merely cocking a prompting brow. Neil sighed. 

“Yes, Andrew. It’s always yes with you.”

The time between the end of Neil’s sentence and the beginning of their kiss was so little it was negligible. It was wet and hot and deep. It conveyed all the love and support and understanding Andrew felt for his idiot, his junkie, his lover, and (he hated to admit) best friend. At least he hoped it did. 

“You’ll let me know if you want anything changed,” Andrew said once they pulled apart. “Pronouns, physical and/or emotional boundaries, whatever--right?”

Neil smiled softly at him. “Of course,” he murmured. “I wouldn’t think of doing anything else.”

Andrew kissed him again, hard on the lips. Then he kissed him again. And again. And once more for good measure. 

Neil giggled against Andrew’s lips and Andrew shoved him off the bed in retaliation. This, unfortunately (?), only drew more giggles from his boyfriend’s lips--now higher and louder and accompanied by sporadic hiccups. 

“Jesus,” Neil sighed once he’d come down from his hysterics. He was sprawled out across their bedroom floor, curls askew and clothes in disarray. Andrew could have stared at him like that all day. “What the fuck is gender even?”

Andrew shrugged and threw a pillow at Neil’s face. 

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”


End file.
